I think I died a long time ago.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Mom said you looked used
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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