He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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