i can't believe i had my finger in that
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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