He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
