Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
