end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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