is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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