I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
