Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
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Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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