So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
