so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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