Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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