it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
