Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
