Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
