Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
