Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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