K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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