Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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