My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
