worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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