Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
