so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
