nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
