I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
