Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
