you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
