I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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