with your own penis?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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