i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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