Porn is love you can see.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
