I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Vodka?
Forever.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
