My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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