I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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