My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize