My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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