Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
