did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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