I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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