Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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