I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
