Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
