I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is the high leading the old right now
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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