Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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