Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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