I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.