why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet