After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
