So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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