Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
