My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
