I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
