I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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