I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
