woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
