he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
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So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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