I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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