I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
