And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I will pee on everything he values.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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