Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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