Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
